MONORAIL

If there’s one thing we’ve learnt from a wasted youth spent watching rubbish sci-fi TV and films is that we should really have spent more time outside. But if there’s two things we’ve learnt then the other is that in the future everyone will wear silver and will spend much of their time when they’re not fighting space aliens/whiling away the hours until death in a bleak dystopia travelling around by monorail. Given that it has officially been the future since midnight on January 1st 2000, it’s been a constant source of disappointment to us that we have yet to travel by monorail. Indeed, it’s now a part of our routine to go out on New Year’s Day, searching the streets despondently in a search for a monorail station that we’re convinced should have sprung up overnight, only tiring of this quest when we the constant stream of catcalls, rude comments, and threats of violence made towards the silver catsuit that we’ve worn, naturally assuming that from this day this will be the dress of choice of all citizens of this planet, and not just Lovefoxxx from CSS, get too much for us and we go home sadly, once again let down by a world that fails to live up to the expectations a multimedia childhood has given us.

Our disappointment with this state of affairs isn’t just limited to our life’s refusal to become more like a TV show, but because we can’t understand why our enthusiasm for a monorail network has failed to catch on. Swift, sleek, and shiny, the only real drawback with the system is that the only real journey’s you can make on it are ones which involve going round in a circle. One way. But as virtually all journeys, unless you’re eloping, have just committed a murder or are a very unlucky bungee jumper, involve ending up back where you started anyway, we fail to see why this is a problem. If anything they’re more efficient as you get to travel straight from A to A without having to deal with the whole B thing, and as ‘B’ is, on a day to day basis, work, most people would be happy to fly straight through. In fact, according to our copious research, the only people who would be upset about the lack of B’s would be honey connoisseurs and apiary makers and these, frankly, are people who shouldn’t be allowed a vote in the most minor of matters, let alone the important world of monorail construction.

Sod it, we’re moving to Seattle. They now how to do mass transit properly, even if the only places you can go to from the station positioned outside your local branch of Starbucks is other branches of Starbucks.