GIN

A curious beverage, drunk mainly by depressed middle aged women and those who feel the world needs an extra edge to make it that bit more miserable, gin is made by mixing together baby tears, the sweat from Satan’s armpits and industrial strength motor oil. It’s taste is similar to that of desolation and despair or, if you want to be a bit less prosaic about it, like licking the trainer of a top athlete.

Gin can be mixed with a variety of drinks, although none have a strong enough taste to make the mixture palatable. Despite many gin connoisseurs claiming that the most enjoyable way to drink gin is by adding a ladleful of raw sewage to the glass, along with a couple of blocks of frozen urine, most gin drinkers tend to add tonic to the mix, feeling that straight gin just isn’t an unpleasant enough experience by itself. Some will also add a slice of lemon, hoping that the bright yellow of the fruit, bobbing lifelessly in the glass, will add some sort of pleasure to the experience and trick them into thinking that they’re having fun and actually enjoying the experience. They aren’t.

If they’re conscious then gin drinkers can be recognised by their listless expressions, scars on their wrists and constant exhortations to passers by to “Kill me now, end this pain that others call life”, otherwise they can often be found lying in a pool made up of vomit, urine and depression.

Also available, and many seasoned gin drinkers swear by it, although most right thinking people swear at it, is sloe gin, so called because it’s drunk by slow people. Although how this differs from normal gin is a matter for the experts.