FILM RATINGS

The British Board of Film Classification exists to tell people exactly what they should and shouldn’t watch in the cinema. They’re a bit like Film Whatever host, Jonathan Ross, only with better suits and legally binding powers. Of course, their remit isn’t based on the relative quality of a film - would that it was, as then we could live in a world without Alvin and the Chipmunks, Species 2 and The Shawshank Redemption - but on how much it might offend the potential viewer, a distinction based entirely on age and the assumption that up until the age of 15 no-one has any concept of sex, violence or foul language in any way, shape or form. Despite the apparent simplicity of this system, the number of ratings are many and varied and may prove confusing to some members of the public. To help matters, here’s a guide to the different ratings and what they mean:-

Generally suitable for all audiences, but particularly suitable for pre-school children. However, due to the content should not be viewed by any one with an aversion to poor quality animation, pastel coloured ponies or elves dancing around for no apparent reason.

Entirely inoffensive, this film is suitable for all ages due to its lack of sex, violence, nudity, horror, drug use, or any particular reason to see the film unless it’s half term and you’ve already taken your kids to see the zoo three times already and just want a sit down.

This rating was named after the angsty female singer-songwriter whose albums, while for a general audience, contain songs that are unsuitable for younger children, PG Harvey.

Suitable only for viewers aged 12 and above. Not to be confused with films which are only suitable for viewers aged 12 exactly, which is the entire output of both the Farrelly and the Wayans brothers.

As above, only with the added info that the Fonz has seen the film and highly recommends it.

There are only fifteen minutes of footage worth seeing in this film, most of which you’ll have already seen in the trailer and the remainder you‘ll miss due to needing to take a toilet break thanks to drinking too much coke in a bid to do something to keep you awake during the dull bits where nothing gets blown up which make up the majority of the film.

You must be seriously drunk to get any sort of enjoyment out of this film.

Porn, basically. Although if it was in French then it would be classed as an art house flick and you’d be fully entitled to get your jollies from it under the pretence of culture, although we’re pretty sure the French for “Uh” is the same as the English. It doesn’t really matter, as long as you subtitle it and claim your lead actor is playing “Le Plumber”.